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How to Become a USAA Med Pay Adjuster

Written by jeffreyhoward on . Posted in North Carolina Law Blog.

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Congratulations!  You have decided to embark upon a career full of logic-bending shenanigans, obscene customer service, and embarrassing amounts of utter buffoonery!

But are you ready for the challenge?  Maybe you should consider if you’re the right kind of stupid for this job.  Maybe you should train yourself to manage the rigors of pushing the stupidity envelope.  Before you start, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you remember to breathe while performing daily activities of life?
  • Have you ever accidentally nearly killed yourself while napping?
  • Do you think having a gasoline fight would be good, clean, harmless fun?
  • When you see William & Mary gear do you wonder when their latest hit was recorded, and if they’re thinking about a reunion tour?
  • When visiting London and you hear “MIND THE GAP” do you then await instructions from said gap?
  • Are you afraid to use the self-cleaning feature on your oven because you’re not sure you want the fire sprites to come out and work like that?
  • Do you frequently nearly run yourself over while driving?
  • Are you prepared to say shit that is absolutely untrue, you know it to be untrue, but can convince yourself that it’s totally OK to do that and act like you’re in the right?

If you answered “no” to any of these, the fact is you might just not be USAA Med Pay adjuster material.  But do not lose hope yet!  There are a few things you can do to get yourself into perfect stupid form:

  • Find a ball peen hammer.
  • If you already know what that is, you will never get this job, so stop now.  But if you don’t, then look it up and THEN go get one…
  • Now hit yourself in the head with it as many times as you can.
  • If you are wondering if there is a limit as to how many times you can do this, you just aren’t cut out for this job.
  • If you wake up after you do this wondering why your head is hurting, CONGRATULATIONS!

The final step is to go drink as much battery acid as you can find.  No, you will not survive this, but that’s OK.  We do not need anymore of you jackanapes anyway.